YYH advice
by SiriousB1
Summary: When teenagers have to undertake such tasks as fighting off evil demons, win tournaments on which their lives depend, and do their homework, a lot of mental trouble can occur. How do they solve their problems? Easy: they ask for advice.
1. Hiei

Thank you to Dil for your character and question.

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
::Ahem::  
  
I can't believe I've been reduced to this. Again.  
  
I've appropriated an e-mail address so I can "Stop wasting [Kurama's] paper. It's needed for homework." Foolish ningen school, stupid ningen computer contraption, idiot ningens. Don't mock me, fool! I'm in no mood for this so soon after typing class! However, I must ask your advice yet again. After the incomparable advice given Kuwabara, I hold you in a position of grudging respect.  
  
I've found myself with rather…disturbing feelings towards my teammate. It's not usually in my nature, and I find it irritating. Every time, every battle, I am distracted by the beauty of his sun-set colored hair, the grace of his movements, the skill with which he handles his weapon. I feel honored to watch him, and it annoys the hell out of me. I end up getting irritated with him, and that's not fair to him. But what can I do? He's just so…obvious! I'm not really sure, to be honest, what I'd do if he showed any sign that he knew of, or returned, my affections, but honestly!  
  
Ah, my beautiful Kuwabara.  
  
What do I do, Advice Monkey? He's infatuated with my sister, for crying out loud. I try to guide him away from her; it's not that I don't he loves her, only that I don't think she'll return his love. That wouldn't really be good for him, you know? It would break his heart, and mine to see him that way.  
  
If you ever tell anyone about any of this, I'll disembowel you with a plastic spork and feed your innards to a ravenous badger.  
  
How do I tell him how I feel without coming off like a love-struck Ningen Fool? I tried a little when he had us try to unstuck him from Yuusuke, but he was so worried, and Kurama was trying desperately not to laugh, Yuusuke was…vacant, and the moment never came around.   
  
Well, Ningen Freak? What do I do?

Signed, Black-Shadow (at) Makai.fire

Dear Black Shadow,  
  
Well, welcome back to the World of Desperate Advice Column Writers. It's good to have you. (Eww, not that way! That's saved for Kurama!) Congratulations on "mastering" the human contraption known as the computer. It makes everything easier. And, if you fuck anything up, you can blame it on the computer instead of your handwriting. I feel sorry that you had to sit through typing lessons. I mean, really! I hate it when demons like you try so hard to type, but always have the knowledge that you'll never beat my fast typing speed. (That is 74 w.p.m. Well, if you're a secretary I suppose you could beat that, but most freshmen in high school that I know can barely get passed 23 w.p.m. using home row…yet, they can max 30 using one or two fingers…)  
  
Getting on with your problems, what a toughie. If I remember correctly, last time you wrote something about loving Mae, and before that your sister. I don't pay enough attention to this crap to remember if you mentioned something about Kurama. Oh well, that just shows how human you've become. I mean, jumping from person just to get some SEX. BWAHAHAHAHA…ahem, excuse me. So, anyway, your attraction to Kuwabara seems quite natural. You know what they say, opposites attract. I mean, think about it. Short and tall. Quiet and loud. Mysterious shadow and bumbling oaf. And, most of all, yokai and ningen. What better way to kick off a relationship that to notice your differences? cough cough cough  
  
I'd say it's virtually impossible to tell him your feelings without coming off soft. Love is mostly a human emotion, so few demons ever have to suffer through it. To confess your love is a tricky thing, like it or not. I still think telling people outright is the best thing you can do, but being discreet can work wonders when planned strategically. A long, angst-y love note, perhaps? Signed from the "Black Shadow" so he knows that it couldn't possibly be from your sister.  
  
Speaking of your sister, that might be a good way to get it implanted into your crush's head. Since he'll listen to her, explain to her your situation. You don't have to admit that you're her brother or anything, just tell her your feelings. Then, have her lay them out clear as day (or night, if you prefer) to Kuwabara and see what he does. This is a good way to approach the problem if you feel that you cannot tell him yourself. Kind of reminds me of all those crappy socials and dances we had at middle school. All my friends would come up to me and say, "Will you ask so-and-so if they'll dance with me?" or something gay like that. God, I hated that! Because, who comes off looking like a dumbshit if the person's answer is "no"? ME! But, that's a little off topic…  
  
So, I think talking about it with Yukina would be best. That way, he'll only have to pass out instead of dying of a heart attack should you tell him personally. You can try either way if you want. Whatever.  
  
And, don't worry, I won't tell anyone about this. I'm only posting it online for the whole world to read. So, technically, I'm not TELLING anyone. Heh.  
  
Hope this goes well, and, I wonder, how did Yuusuke's hair problem turn out? I hear he has a great new haircut…(to understand this comment, see later chapters.)  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 (The Advice Monkey)

* * *

A/N: If anyone has a character (repeats are fine) or a problem that they would like to see featured, write them in the review or e-mail them to me. Hell, if you want, you can send me a question or something that you want answered and I'll answer it under whatever category you want. In the subject box in e-mail, type in "advice" or something close to it, otherwise I probably won't open it. I warn you now that I shall not be held responsible for any rude, crude or sexual content in my response. My advice column, my rules. 


	2. Kuronue and KoEnma

Thank you to Kitsune-Kurama for your character and question. For those of you who have not seen the 2nd Yu-Yu-Hakusho Movie entitled "Poltergeist Report," this character is supposed to be the bat demon Koronue. He was a partner in crime with Kurama back in the Makai, and sacrificed his life to save the kitsune. ALERT! ALERT! Kurama fans: if you love the fox, you'll love this bat too! Go look up a picture online!!!  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I am supposed to be dead and all, but I have a question. How do you suggest I get my life back? Arrigato for your help.  
  
From,  
Your Above-Average Makai Thief  
  
Dear Makai Thief,  
  
Um…ah…uh…Hm. Well, I'm not a witch doctor, a spirit medium or anything of that sort, so don't come knocking at my door. (Actually, do come knocking, and bring your old partner with you. Please come as strip-o-gram yokai!) Let's think…ow, my brain hurts. Ms. Cleo isn't gonna give you any help. I don't know any mediums, so you're out of luck their. Why don't you just do what Kurama did and enter the womb of a mortal woman? That way, you'll be reincarnated and will get your powers back as the years progress. Make sense? If all that fucks up, go as Kikyo and Kagome from InuYasha how they managed reincarnation. After that, kill Kikyo slowly and painfully. After dumping her body into a river, have some fun with Kagome. I mean, you've been dead for quite some time! Don't you miss all the sex?  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Dear SiriousB1, 

I hold a very high ranking in the Spirit World and deserve respect. But I'm not getting it! And this is why: I look like a toddler! I can change myself into an adult looking person, but it takes up some of my energy. How can I get the respect I deserve without wasting energy?

Humbly Yours,

Spirit World Jr.

Dear S.W. Jr.

Well, the first thing you can do is get rid of that "Jr." bit. If you look like a child, then that title is not going to help you very much. I have two options for you in earning respect: 1. Act like a child. Everyone will think that you are so fucking cute, they'll give you anything that you want. Or, 2. If you are so highly ranked in the Spirit World, threaten them that you'll kick their asses out of there if they don't respect you. Either one is likely to work.

Sincerely,

SiriousB1


	3. Botan and Karasu

Thank you to BennyLee1090 for your character and question.

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Hi! I have a problem. I'm in love with this boy but I don't know how to tell him. The worst part is, HE'S MY BOSS! How do I tell him how I feel without being fired or, worse, rejected by him!? If I tell him and he rejects me, I might do something drastic. I love him so much! I'm sorry to have rambled; I don't tell people how I feel very often...the only being I DO tell is my dog, and that's because he's the best at keeping secrets!   
  
Sorry For Bothering You,  
Love Struck Ferry Girl  
  
Dear Love Struck,  
  
Ah, yes, the "I'm-Falling-For-A-Guy-At-Work" scenario. And it just so happens to be your boss, as it usually seems to be. At least, that's how it normally is in movies...except for Nine to Five! Well, love does seem to be my most addressed topic of these columns, so, let me clear up a few things for those of you who wish to continue the lovey-dovey questions. First of all...homosexuality. A lot of these are yaoi (or brother and sister relationship sin that one question...) and that's just fine! Remember how I said I'm not gay in anyway? (Hey, that rhymes!) Well, for once I'm going to have to eat my words, folks, 'cause I'm bisexual! That's right! Woohoo! Secondly, while many of these questions are yaoi, just as many of them are not. Take this one fro example. Now, I've never been in love personally, but I know enough people, see enough movies and read enough books to understand it. Falling in love on the job happens to be a classic case. Now, if I said that he'll fall in love with you and you'll live happily ever after, I'd be lying...or, at least, unsure or the truth. I can't guarantee that any of my advice will turn out happy and all right in the end. I can't determine people's moods or make up people's minds for them. In this case, may I say that a lot of people don't believe that love at work ever works out or should even be considered. As I tell most of all of my writer's looking for love advice, tell your crush straight out. It's always the best to speak your mind, and let that special person know that you aren't afraid to admit your feelings. Now, it is very important that you follow that advice when you are at work. If you just drop hints at love or sex or anything like that, then the person who all of this is being directed at might feel like they are being harassed. So, be careful how you direct your feelings. (That is, I do not recommend that you walk into his office and start kissing him or taking off your clothes...as amusing as the latter would be, it is not a good idea!) As always, I hope that helped and you weren't wasting my time by rambling. (I'm on vacation...what better to do than to write fan fiction and read manga or a book outside by a beautiful lake or in the forest?!) Oh yeah...one question...what kind of dog do u have?   
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Kenshin for your character and question.

Dear Siri,

I am in my happy place, I am in my happy place, there are silver foxes running around everywhere...okay now since you think I'm odd too WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE I DO ABOUT IT? Oh yes, if you do NOT help me, I will no longer be in my happy place. ::hair changes from black to blonde:: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have somethings to destroy. ::Genki smile under mask::

Signed,

Pissed Off Gothic Kitsune Lover

Dear Pissed Off,

What do I propose you do about being odd? Nothing! I'm odd and I ain't doing shit about it. Well, actually I'm beyond odd, but that's beside the point. Oh, by the way, may I come to your happy place? Please? I want to see silver foxes running around everywhere too!! BWA!

Sincerely,

SiriousB1


	4. Yukina and Fanfic Obsessed Girl

Thank you to Anime-Alee for your character and question idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I am afraid that I must present to you a most serious problem. I feel bad in doing so as I know that you receive quite a lot of these advice questions as a columnist, but I still hope that you find it in your will (and time) to answer mine. You see there is this boy. Let's call him Shady. Shady has been following me for what seems to have been for some time. First of all, he helped to save my life from these evil crooks before I even knew who he was! Ever since, he has been avoiding me in person, yet I see him following me wherever I go. I don't think he knows that I know yet, but I'm sure that it is only a matter of time. He hardly ever talks, most of the time relying on the word "Hn" to answer any question. (I don't even believe that that is a word...do you know?) The problem is that, despite me hardly even knowing him, I find him incredibly attractive. Sure, he's a little short, but what does height have to do with anything? Whenever I see him he is sweet and caring. Well, except to this one guy... But, the important thing is that I think I love him! I don't know if Shady feels the same way, but I most certainly can't stop thinking about him! Another addition to this problem is that the one guy that he isn't always very nice to is constantly hitting on me! He keeps calling me his "love" and kisses my hand from time to time. He is quite reckless about it. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but what can I do if I love another? Please help!  
  
Yours Truly,   
Confused Ice Beauty  
  
Dear Confuzzled Ice Beauty,  
  
Shady? Like, the Real Slim Shady? Starts to randomly rap the words that she knows to The Real Slim Shady, absolutely messing up the song even more than it already was Um...right...so...this guy. He's a midget and says "Hn" a lot, right? I think I know to whom you are referring. Don't you know who he is? I thought he might have told you by now! He's your...freezes as the blade of a VERY sharp katana rests on the back of her neck Um...he's your soul mate! I mean, really! You're meant for each other! Tell the other guy to, um...fuck off or something! You and "Shady" belong together! I suggest telling him as soon as you see him next. Without each other you're nothing! Feels the cold steel retreat from the back of her neck You should just tell her that you're her...starts running away from a thoroughly pissed fire demon AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1   
  
P.S.  
Hello. This is SiriousB1's alter personality speaking. For those of you who don't know me, I only come around when I am really needed. And, well...looks at her original personality screaming and running at Mach 5 away from a black shadow with a glistening katana I think that I am most definitely needed now. Please do not worry about bothering us with your questions. As a matter of fact, we have only received two or three in the past week. All in different areas, of course. Like I said, please do not mind writing. We always enjoy answering your questions. Now...if you would excuse me...::follows screams of terror as to find her original personality::

* * *

Thank you to Cheyo-Vera for your question. Oh yeah, and if anyone out there doesn't get who KuraYami is or the joke about Kurama and Hiei discoing, then read some of Cheyo-Vera's stories! (I'm telling you they're good!) 

Dear SiriousB1,

Every time I listen to music, I come up with some scene for a fan fic.

Whether it's KuraYami making out with Kurama or Hiei discoing, something always pop's into my head! Trouble is... I never have time to type this stuff! And all the "scenes" are like way in the future of the fic. (When Kitsune comes in, but you don't know that!) Same goes when I go to bed. To make myself sleepy, I try to come up with something story-like. My fanfics are the only thing that comes into my head! ARG!

Sincerely,

A Fanfic Obsessed Girl

PS- sorry if this is a totally bad question... cause it is!

Dear Fanfic Obsessed Girl,

Dude, I totally get what you're saying! Even if you do get a chance to write those scenes down, half of the time they aren't as good as you envisioned them to be. (Trust me, I know!) My suggestion is that you keep a pen and a small notepad/pack of Post-It's near you at all times. Carry them in your pocket when you're walking around and keep some on your bedside table. That way, you'll always be able to jot down your ideas before you forget them. I also understand what you mean by all of the things that you want to write being way in the future of the story. That's because you want to get the story done and over with! Also, it's because there is this man living in everyone's brains named Block. He is more commonly known as Writer's Block. He tries to take over and make you think of nothing to write about. The beginning of his terror starts when you don't get ideas for what you are currently writing. It just takes time to overthrow him. Normally the "Army of Midget Ideas" come and kick him out of the thrown. When they do, one of them becomes chosen. (Normally it is the hero of the fight.) This Midget Idea becomes the new king of your brain and eventually grows into the Big One. The Big One gives you all your inspiration and ideas to write. Some people also have muses in case their "Big One" goes on vacation. And so that is the story of how writer's block comes and goes. Well, that's my perspective anyway. Anyway, your "Big One" works with the Ruler of the Computer (the ruler varies depending on what kind of computer you have...I have a Dell, so mine is Emperor Dude) to get your story typed and uploaded onto or whatever other archive you post it on. (If it's a school project, there are many ambassadors from The Land of the Textbooks so it takes much longer.) Anyway, you just have to force your "Big One" and the Ruler of Your Computer to work together. To do that, you just inhale chocolate like it is your last day on Earth (or whatever planet you come from).

Sincerely,

SiriousB1

P.S. And it's not a bad question. Trust me, it gave me an excuse to explain my Writer's Block story!


	5. Jin and A Random Yaoi Fangirl

Thank you to M-python-girl for her character and question ideas.  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I never thought that I'd be gay. In fact, I'm not too sure if I am. But I certainty feel gay. You see, there is this guy. He is young, still in school. I'd say about 14-years-old. I had this big fight with him in the Dark Tournaments. I really wanted to win, but I couldn't bring myself to use my full power on him! He was just too adorable to hurt! The problem is a lot of girls seem to swoon over me. I think it has something to do with my Irish accent (they tell me it makes me appear suave) and the fact that I can fly. You wouldn't believe how many girls run up to me saying that they'll do anything for me if I let them use my body for a few hours! I naturally turn all of these requests down, as I feel that I am stuck on this Urameshi. Is it wrong to have these feelings towards a human boy? Being a demon, I feel somewhat ashamed at my emotions, but they can't be helped. I also feel that, should I admit to being gay, all of the girls in my fan club will suddenly merge with Sisshy-wakumaru's! (Oh, shit! I can't spell his name, but you know who he is!) I don't want to date women (as this Urameshi has stolen my heart away) but I don't want to feel left out. Besides, if someone as ugly as him has a group of fangirls chasing him, why shouldn't I? What can I do?   
  
Your Friend,  
Possibly Gay Wind Master  
  
Dear Possibly Gay,  
  
Okay, let's just say for one minute that you are gay. It's not a bad thing! And just because he's human and you're a demon doesn't mean anything! Look at Kurama and me! Realizes what she just said Um...I mean, look at Kuwabara and Yukina! You don't see either of them complaining about different species mating! Blink Okay, that came out a bit weird...moving along! I think you should just go up to Urameshi and tell him how you feel. Even if he does reject you (which I'm sorry to say that he probably will; he's dating), at least you'll have let out the truth. You could also resort to stalking. It seems that everyone I know agrees with me in saying that stalkers have this weird aura around them that makes them incredibly sexy! And don't worry about any girls going over to Sisshy-wakamaru's (I don't know how to spell it either...) fan club. It ceases to dawn on me why anyone even as remotely ugly as him has a fan club in the first place. Trust me, you're accent is enough to get girls chasing you!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
Um, about Urameshi being human. You really shouldn't worry about that because, well, he isn't!

* * *

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Like, oh my god! I am totally obsessed with Kurama and Hiei from the best show in the world: Yu-Yu-Hakusho! They are, like, sooooooooo incredibly sexy and hot! I would do anything do be with either of them! But, you know what I like more? I just love envisioning them, like, making out with each other! I mean, seriously?! Who doesn't get sweaty thinking about Kurama's tongue entering Hiei's mouth, ya' know? And, oh my god! Like, all of my friends think that they make the cutest couple, too! One of my friends (her name is Noroi) wrote this totally awesome story where they actually do it! It was so detailed; it amazed me! I mean, who doesn't want to read about Hiei's beep going into Kurama's beep? Oh, yeah, my question! Okay, Hiei is, like, totally spazzing out over this whole kamawohoru thing. What's his damage?  
  
From,  
Random Yaoi Fangirl  
  
Dear Random Yaoi Fangirl,  
  
You're lucky this advice column is rated R or I'd have had to censor your little "story" more than I did. (I actually could have, but then no one would have any idea what you were talking about.) First of all: I'm cool with gay and lesbian stories. I know some gay people, and watching anime has actually made shounen-ai (guy and guy) and shoujo-ai (girl and girl) not bother me too much. I mean, one of my favorite mangas has a kind of shoujo-ai theme to it (Revolutionary Girl: Utena.) Not to mention the Isabella and George from the superb manga Paradise Kiss. (Okay, George is just bisexual, and him and Isabella, yes Isabella is a he, aren't gay together, but all the same!) And I have read some decent yaoi stories online; particularly some good ones with Kurama and Hiei. (You can find a few on my favorite stories list, and one of the author's on my favorite author's list has written a really good one!) I'm just telling you this so you don't think I'm an idiot who has no idea what it is that I am talking about. (Uh...wait!) But, you really didn't have to go into detail in your question! And, to answer your question and stop rambling about homosexuality, why are you asking me? How should I know why Hiei is complaining? Have you ever thought that he might be in love with someone else? Why don't you ask him? And why isn't Kurama complaining?!   
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1   
  
P.S.  
Okay, did you know that your friends name (Noroi) is another word for "stupid" in Japanese? And (for all you people who are out there reading this and are too lazy to go find your online or regular Japanese dictionaries) kamawohoru means, "to have gay sex." Oh yeah, and if anyone reviews flaming me about yaoi or anything along those lines, I'm just going to ignore it, so don't bother.


	6. Scared Kurama and Suicidal Kurama

Thank you once again to M-python-girl for your character and question ideas.   
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
My life is horrible. I'm doomed to hide in this room with the door locked and the window shades down. Even now I am being very careful; I'm using only a small flashlight to get the light that I need to write this letter. You see, if I use too much light, they'll know that I'm here and they'll try to break into the house. They're always outside, waiting for the day when I'll have to go out for food or fresh air. But I never will. Shifts under the blanket It would be so much easier if they weren't there. Then all this secrecy wouldn't be necessary. I could lead a normal life in a normal community in a normal world. But, alas! I was made an anime character and have been destined to writing letters to advice columnists in the dead of night underneath the blanket as to dim the light of a small flashlight. Even now I can hear them outside. They're pitching their tents and fighting over spaces on the lawn. Oh, those evil fangirls! At first the idea of a Fan Club dedicated to me seemed like a good idea, but now I realize my mistake. It seems that all of the girls who joined it came to believe that if I had let them start a Fan Club, that I would indeed let them into my house. Of course, that is a load of rubbish. I would never let a girl into my house that stomp around with posters of my face stuck on a stick. And then, of course, there are the more extreme fangirls who feel the need to take pictures of my face and sew them onto their underwear and parade around with no pants on. (That's always amusing, yet very embarrassing if anyone I know sees it.) But then there are the REALLY scary fangirls who feel the need to cross over to the land of Yaoi. I never really understood why they feel that Hiei and myself make such a nice mystery to me. But, anyway, what I need from you is advice on how to get rid of all these fangirls. They stalk me (well, I'm always in my room, so technically they just camp outside) all day and all night! Please, tell me how to forever leave the world of Crazed Fangirls and how to dismember the Kurama Fan Club!  
  
Cordially,  
Very Scared Kitsune  
  
Dear Very Scared Kitsune,  
  
Yeah, um, maybe I'm not the right one to be asking. You see, um, let me just say that I don't put pictures of you on my panties (that's just wrong...), but, um, I do have a, um, rather large collection of, um, pictures of you. So, maybe you should just send a note like this to, um, Gabby or someone and they can suddenly gets pushed by a girl wearing a YYH shirt with a lipstick heart around Kurama Hey! Watch where you're going, bitch! This is my camp spot, go find your own! Stupid girl...Right, so anyway, as I was saying, maybe you should ask someone who is not camped out right beneath your window. I...very suddenly, a large group of girls and one guy come up and try to move SiriousB1's tent and place their own underneath Kurama's window HEY!!! YOU ASSHOLES!! THIS IS MY SPOT!! GO FIND YOUR OWN!! What do you mean, you were here earlier? I've been here my whole fucking life! I saw you get here last week! What was that? My mama's so fat that when she walks down the street in a red dress everyone yells, "Kool-Aid!"? Was that what you said? It was! Well...YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!!! Now get the fuck outta' here! Kicks all of their asses with her fake rose whip Right, as I was saying...maybe you should ask a Hiei obsessed fangirl instead of one who is obsessed with you...I TOLD YOU TO GET AWAY!!!!!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to The Raven for your character and question. For all of you out there who are deeply disturbed by this...it goes along with a story that she wrote called "The Wilted Rose." It's really good story and it kind of goes along with this.

Dear SiriousB1,

I don't even know writing to an advice column shit, but whatever. Let me tell you first, I am right now about to kill myself. I hate my life. My sister loves an idiot, my best friend has gone insane, and I have feelings for a hanyou who is dating a human. I hope you can figure out who this people/demons are; I don't feel like naming names. I'm just very depressed; I have nothing left to live for. I mean, it isn't like anyone would care if I die, right? I guess my question is, what should I really do. I'm torn between death and living, but death seems very nice right now. Also, I have some demons after me because I stole some drugs from them. The drugs hide the pain I feel. I'm afraid to say I'm too weak to fight them. I guess what this really is, is a cry for help. If you want to help, you should hurry before the next question comes from someone named "A Girl Whose Brother Killed Himself."

Signed,

A Very Tired Demon

Dear A Very Tired Demon,

Okay, first thing's first...STEP AWAY FROM ANY SHARP OBJECTS, FIREARMS, LEDGES, ROPES, HEAVY OBJECTS, POISONS, AND WINDOWS...and whatever other suicide possibilities there are that I can't think of. Suicide is NEVER the answer. Trust me, my cousin did it. It is a good thing that you wrote to me because advice is just what you need. I am not a doctor so I can't get you back to your best state of mental health, but I can sure as hell try. You need to go see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. They'll be able to provide you medications to help you get out of your depression state. I know whom all the people that you're talking about are, and may I just say that, no matter what's happened to them, they would not want you to die. They will NEVER want you to die. Your sister is in love with an idiot? You love whom you love, and you've got to accept it. Unless, of course, he hurts her and then you have to talk her out of any sort of love interest of that sort. You yourself are in love with someone who is dating...talk to them about it. See what they say. And, lastly, your best friend has gone crazy. That is hard and there is nothing that you can do to make him better except to continue to provide support for him. Now, stealing was bad idea in the first place, but what's done is done. Get some help from your friends; I'm sure that they'd be glad to help you. No one wants to see you die. If you think the people around you are having trouble now...killing yourself will just make it worse. Get a psychiatrist and talk things over.

Sincerely,

SiriousB1


	7. The Hair Gel Saga: Two Kuwabaras and a Y...

Thank you to Dil for your characters and questions. Just so you readers know, this particular column has sparked a series of other questions regarding the same topic (Hair Gel), so I shall post them all in one chapter.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
My friend uses so much hair gel that the reflection blinds me. How can I approach the subject without offending him? Or, just remove the gel while making it look like an accident? I don't want to get him mad at me, but last time I used my spirit sword, the light bounced off his hair, burned my retinas and nearly decapitated my cat. Please help.  
  
Signed,  
Kitten-Lover (at) SJHS.schools  
  
Dear Kitten Lover,  
  
That much hair gel, huh? That's a hard one. I don't use hair gel personally, but I know some of my friends do. The best thing that I can think of is this:  
1) Get him all boozed up till he passes out.  
2) Carefully stick his head in a bucket of water to remove the present gel. Note: If he wakes up, give him more booze.  
3) Throw away any of the hair gel that he has in his house.  
4) Take him to a hypnotist.  
I offer two cautions when trying these steps: Make sure that he doesn't beat the crap out of you when it's all over and be careful about age inquiry if you get drunk at a bar instead of your own home. I take no responsibility for anything if the police catch you drinking under age!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

(A/N: At this point, I must explain something. Dil and I were on YIM and we were just talking about random things. Suddenly, we envisioned what would happen if Kuwabara used rubber cement instead of shampoo on accident while trying to get the hair gel out of Yuusuke's hair. So, basically, his hands are stuck in Yuusuke's hair. Got it? Good.)  
  
Dear Siri,  
  
I took your advice about my friend's hair gel. Not having access to alcohol, I used a cocktail of my sister's anti-psychotic and anti-depressant drugs, mostly Prozac and Zyrtec. It worked pretty well, he's not unconscious, but he doesn't seem to care what I do. I think he's trying to reach the state of nirvana, and has mistaken my frantic attempts to free my hands from his hair as a rudimentary scalp message. Do you have any advice to unstick my hands before his brain kicks back in, or he falls asleep? At least in his current condition I can move him; if he falls asleep I'm screwed.  
  
Sincerely,  
Kitten-Lover (at) SJHS.schools  
  
Dear Kitten Lover,  
  
Heh, heh, heh. Rubber cement isn't the best shampoo, is it? Stupid baka. Read the labels! Go find Old-Lady Genkai and get her to use her shotgun to crack the cement and, if you move them quickly enough, you won't get your hands hurt. The worst thing that could happen to your friend is that his hair will burn off and he will live the rest of his life as a bald man. Hey! At least you won't have to worry about hair gel, shampoo and rubber cement any more…  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Catleana for your character and question idea. 

Dear SiriousB1,

Guess what? A baka friend of mine somehow got his fucking hands stuck in my hair and he got his sister to use big hammer to break the rubber cement off of my head and his hands. And now, I'm BALD!!!! What kind of Spirit Detective is bald? It's soooo embarrassing! There were a few strands left, but that fossil Genkai used an electric razor and shaved them off! How the hell am I supposed to get my hair back? I mean, Kuwabara (the baka who accidentally used Quick Rubber Cement instead of shampoo to get the hair gel out of my hair) started laughing at me, but I can't do shit now! I refuse to go to school (which is actually a blessing) and I won't go out on any more cases because of my shiny head! It'll take forever if I just let it grow back naturally...what the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime!? Keiko broke up with me because I wouldn't even see her, but she just wouldn't understand. Of course, I haven't told her and I made Kuwabara, Genkai and Shizuru swear that they'd never tell anyone or I'd whip out my Spirit Gun on them. What the hell should I do?!

Yours truly,

Pissed Spirit Detective

Dear Pissed Spirit Detective,

One word: ROGAINE! And yet, I don't understand why you would want to. I mean, bald is sexy! Just look at...::thinks:: Vin Diesel! And Moby! Okay, not really Moby, but he's still cool! Plus, with a baldhead, you can get a tattoo or that covers your head. You can make it say something really cool or have a picture of a dragon or something. That would be awesome! Just think of it: Yuusuke Urameshi - The First Bald Sprite Detective! ::Snickers::

Sincerely,

SiriousB1


	8. Keiko and Goth Kitsune Lover

Thank you to Mina for this idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I'm really worried about my boyfriend. Whenever I see him, he is always with this bubbly, blue-headed girl. He is always missing from school and from home for long periods of time, and I'm concerned that he might be cheating on me. Whenever I confront him about it, he always says, "We're just friends." It's a stupid cliché and I don't believe a word of it. How can I tell this girl to back off without getting my boyfriend mad at me?  
  
Your Friend,  
Suspicious School Girl  
  
Dear School Girl,  
  
You sound like a nice enough girl; your boyfriend must be a sleaze-ball to be cheating on you. Instead of telling this mysterious, blue-headed girl to stay away, I'd say you should sit both your boyfriend, this girl and yourself down and make them tell you what's going on. If they don't answer willingly or say, "We're just friends", kick the bloody piss out of both of them until you get what you're looking for.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Kenshin for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Um…everyone says I'm odd because the person I love, I also want to kill…do you think I'm odd? I just need some reassurance, I mean, he'd look so good dead…please help!  
  
From,  
Goth Kitsune Lover  
  
Dear Goth,  
  
Yes, I do think you are odd. If you do end up killing him, please do not have sex with his corpse. There have been killers known to do that, as it is absolutely repulsive.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	9. Hiei, Yuusuke, and then Hiei again

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Hn. I normally wouldn't write one of these, but I'm facing a serious dilemma. Everyone I have ever known has undoubtedly thought that I have no feelings for anything or anyone whatsoever. This is true with the exception of my sister. Everyone thinks that I love her in a brotherly way, even though she doesn't know that I am her brother. But, I think that I'm actually falling in love with her. Even though we have different mothers, it still feels dirty. What should I do?  
  
Hn,  
Midget Nightmare  
  
Dear M.N.,  
  
You love who you love. You screw who you screw. There is nothing wrong with that. Even though I have never loved my sister in that way, I believe I know someone who does. I'm sure that if you go find someone by the name of Mudou Setsuna, you'll get some answers that you're looking for. Good luck with that.   
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1.

* * *

Thank you to Spirit Detective for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
My girlfriend just found out that I fight demons and appears to be having somewhat of a hard time coping with it. Any suggestions on how I can help her cope with it?  
  
Signed,  
Spirit Detective  
  
Dear Spirit Detective,  
  
Try taking her on one of your "raids". Let her see how easily you can pound those demon heads to the floor! Oh, let her try it herself and see how simple it is. Maybe she'll let up a bit.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
May I suggest not taking her on a mission that you might have some trouble with!

* * *

Thank you to Kisa-chan for her character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I have an irritating problem. Everyone assumes that I am in love with my best friend, the demon kitsune Kurama. How can I convince the yaoi fangirls that I am not into that? They just never learn…assist me, and do not laugh at my plight, fool. Hn.  
  
Signed,  
Fire Demon/Dark Shadow  
  
Dear Demon-Shadow Thing,  
  
First of all, don't make me open a can of whoop-ass on you! I ain't no fool! And, to answer your initial question, try sleeping with all of those yaoi fangirls. You know they only put you and Kurama together because they love you so much!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	10. Kurama and Hiei

Thank you to Dil for the next two characters and questions.  
  
Honorable Sirious,  
  
I would appreciate your advice on a very personal matter. People continually mistake me for a woman, or, after I have convinced them I am not, consider me gay and assume I'm dating my best friend. The truth of the matter is, I'm undecided and would appreciate people not trying to choose for me. On top of all this, I am being stalked by a man who's obsessed with me! I'd appreciate your advice on this, as previous advisors have been unhelpful, suggesting, "Cut my hair and quit acting like a girly-man" or "Stop using roses as a weapon" or "Quit asking stupid questions and get over here, baka." Thank you for considering my question.  
  
Humbly Yours,  
Kitsune (at) Makai.rose  
  
Dear Kitsune,  
  
My advice to you is very simple: don't change. Stay who you are and be who you wish to be. What other people think is their own problem; let them sit at home at night and play with themselves while you go out and do what you want. If you have a man stalking you, confront him and tell him that you are undecided about your sex life. He is just one in a crowd of millions of girls and guys who love you. If you are deeply concerned with what others think, take into account that they probably have never been laid and need to take their anger someone else. That someone else just happens to be you. Don't worry. I…uh, we all love you.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Sirious,  
  
My "friend" keeps asking me dumb questions about how to appear more masculine. I already gave him what advice I could, how do I get him to leave me alone? Well, not alone-alone, but stop asking questions. You know what I mean. Baka kitsune.  
  
Signed,  
Black Shadow  
  
Dear Black Shadow,  
  
Have you tried asking him to stop _POLITELY_?  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


End file.
